(null)

This Blog > /dev/null

I actually started this blog as more of a place to focus my writing skills, but not since my first few posts have I been able to make anything topical. This has pretty much turned into an unread journal, and isn't really helping me at all.

I recently started an off-line blog, using something called a "notebook" and a "pen". Starting now, these posts will be much more topical. No longer will I be blogging my reflections or using the site for diary-esque purposes.

I hope that by the end of the week I find myself inspired to blog about something, but truth be told, my thoughts have been singly-focused, and blogging about being depressed has helped me none. I think I will take those writings offline, make them more personal, and wil probably gain much more out of their purpose. Use the blog for more inspired writing/communication purposes.

I need a topic. I hope something comes to be in this tired-mind of mine...

... (aka blah)

At what point do I "get over it"? I seem to keep convincing myself I will, eventually, get over my heartache. Maybe that's the the problem, I never will get over it. Much like when my dad died, things get easier to manage with time, but the hurt never goes away. Also, much like when my dad died, I've chosen to not supplement my depression with alcohol, but even more shitty is my lack of desire to be around people. I can't explain it, but I just feel like shutting down completely.

The weekends continue to be almost impossible to bear, as the weekdays are easier. It's healthy to keep my mind of my pain by going to the gym, and trying to regain a healthy lifestyle. Last night I got a chance to be around some really great friends but still found myself with thoughts of jealousy the more I saw all of them with a mate, and me, alone-again.

As much as i portray that I can handle being alone, I think that loneliness is easily the worst thing anyone can experience. I think, maybe, this is why the weekdays are easier for me to deal with: I have work, a job I enjoy, in an environment that is probably more cathartic than I realize....

This weekend

I haven't done much at all this weekend. Nothing actually. I ordered a pizza. Didn't really live up to my expectations.

These weekends still suck. Through the week I'm great. Enjoyable things like work, going to the gym, and seeing people is great. Weekends not so much. I used to cherish my weekends-but I also had a job I hated. I couldn't wait to get drunk and cause trouble for 2 days at a time. Looking back, I miss the distraction, but don't miss the fact I never did much on those weekends either.

There's some basketball on tonight, I think that may get me through the rest of this weekend. Who the hell looks forward to work on Monday? 

Me.

Progress

A lot of study has shown that exercise is one of the best reliefs for stress and/or anxiety. I can say, without a doubt, this is the case. In the past year or so, I've put on a lot of extra pounds, on top of some more extra pounds from the previous year. It's somewhat disheartening to see myself from 07 or so, when I was much thinner, and happier. I did it once, I can do it again.

Right now, all I have is exercise. I'm not drinking, not partying, not doing much but: hitting the gym, going to work, hitting the gym again, then coming home to sleep. Dealing with the heartache is getting easier, it's been a long time since I've had to do it. In the past things like alcohol, drugs, and reckless behavior were my outlets; but now I have a healthier (and wiser) mindset. 

Good friends, a strong will to get over it, and a strong mind not clouded by booze has definitely  helped me get this far without having a complete nervous breakdown. I still feel absolutely devastated from time to time, but those moments are also beginning to decrease in frequency, and whereas in the past I might actually act on my erratic thoughts, I see tremendous progress in not letting them ruin my days. 

Progress is something I strive for in every aspect of my life. Work, basketball, relationships, whatever. Staying stagnate is not acceptable for me. I think sometimes my strong desire to seek progress and/or change gets me into to trouble. It's easy to change how I feel and act, once I make my mind up about something I do it; instead of making excuses.

Now that's progress.

/ignore

Being ignored is shit. It's even more shit when the ignoring party is someone you love. It leaves one's mind with nothing but un-answered questions, paranoia, and a terrible feeling of insignificance. I can't make her pay attention to me but I can't stop caring about her either. I wonder sometimes if maybe she is ignoring me to hurt me or if she just needs her space without me. I WONDER this stuff because she won't tell me. I think I could adjust easier if: I hadn't fallen so fast for her, if we weren't as serious as we were, and if I was more prepared for the possibility that it could all end. All of that is my fault. Take my lumps and move on right? 

Easy to say, not as easy to do. When someone tells you they love you, I guess you expect certain things. Being ignored is not one of those. Being ignored is shit. I can't say I'm not guilty of it myself, however. In the past, I've done the same thing. Now I can realize how fucking wack this approach is. Everyone deserves to be heard. Just another lesson learned, I suppose.

Chicken Wings

Not much inspires a passion in me except maybe: sports, music, and CHICKEN WINGS. WTF?!? Yeah Chicken Wings. You know; buffalo wings, hot wings, whatever you'd like to call them.

I love those fuckers. I once ate 70 by myself. In one sitting. in 20 minutes. Doesn't sound like a lot? Maybe not to a competitive eater, but 70 wings is a lot of fuckin chicken. 70 wings and 8 beers, I was in heaven.

Some guy at work challenged me to a wing eating contest. It was supposed to happen today. In his effort to "train" he psyched himself out and couldn't go: "Heartburn". Or so he claims.

It's very obvious that my reputation as the 'Lord of the Wings' and the 'King of the Wing' got back to him. Even now, when I'm trying to manage my weight-I would easily destroy him. Not many people can touch my wing prowess, and I have yet to find someone who is as serious about their chicken wings as I am. If there was a way I could eat chicken wings everyday, for my entire life, I would do it. 

there simply aren't enough chickens alive to accommodate such a lofty goal.

...

Up and down. My life has never been too incredibly stable, I'm sure a lot of people can probably say the same. You work very hard, (too hard sometimes) to find stability: careers, family, and other such responsibilities help achieve the stability we each need to get up every morning and keep going. My desire is fading. My will is still strong, but the desire I had is diminishing by the minute it seems.

How in the hell am I going to get over this? I will. I can. It's the time I have now, and the future that worries me. Am I scared? No, not really. Just apathetic. The same apathy I had grown before we met, has come back. Maybe it never left? It's hard to say, but in looking back at the time we had together, I was genuinely happy and optimistic about our future. Long ago I had resigned myself to not having any hope for a future. Live in the present, and dwell in the past. I'm back to that spot again.

Ugh. What a whiny little bitch I must sound like. I'm sure that if anyone actually read these posts, one would assume I'm borderline bi-polar, and probably too melodramatic. Maybe. But one's feelings can only be understood and judged my one's self, and right now my judgement is unclear. I realize in time most of things won't matter, but as for "living in the present", I'm doing my best: the "dwelling in the past" is causing me much more strife than I wish to endure. 

Thank GOD I have my strong will. that willpower will eventually get me through this. compassion is nice, but no one can say, or do anything for me on this one. That, actually, may be the silver lining in this thunder-cloud.